Quiet Sunday morning, blessedly cool.  I can feel the season turning.  I’m good with it….I love the deep warm of early autumn/late summer, with its cool nights.  Sleep deepens…thoughts turn to the woolies, sweaters, and boots in the storage boxes at the top of the closet.  Not…quite….time…..don’t jump the gun on the season.

Today will be all those errands and tasks I just didn’t do yesterday.  Yesterday, I made muffins and stared at the computer all day.  It left me in not a very good frame of mind….J tried to talk to me about it, and I didn’t know what to say, but have been ruminating on it.

Sitting all by myself doing computer things for hours on end is super duper not good for me.  It makes me feel depressed, aimless, empty, and vaguely irritable.  I get myself into a thinking rut about how I want to do things – but it costs money.  I want to go up to Calgary and visit a friend and see Banff, ride the train down to the Bay Area, go hiking in the high mountains, load up a travel van and go stand with the Standing Rock Sioux.  But then the arguments come back, in order – I’m supposed to be saving money for (yet another) major construction project on the house, I can’t be spending it on travel to another country.  So, okay, I take the train down to the Bay Area.  Then what?  I know people there, but they’re mostly ex’es and their new partners (or ex-toxic enough that I probably should just steer clear).  Hiking in the high mountains….with whom?  I don’t feel quite safe enough as a tubby, middle-aged, single woman with a sheltie to go heading off by myself into the wilderness.  And even if I did have the time, money, and travel van to go stand with the Sioux…would I even be welcome?  I am well aware of the attitude towards the Cherokee in NDN country.  Basically, we’re viewed as sold-out, completely assimilated, white wannabees. I’ve spent a lifetime already, defending my choices of identity, and being rejected by various groups based on whatever clashing label I bring into their values setting.  I’m tired of editing…..I would love to be able to bring my entire self to all settings. I sent money to the Sioux….right now, it’s the best I can do.  I believe in the stand they are taking.  I consider myself a part of Turtle Island.  But I also know that my external appearance would brand me as outsider.

And don’t even get me started on the romantic interests.  Teasing….just beyond my reach unless I go way beyond my comfort zone, spend a lot of money traveling, and then risk rejection anyway.

Oh, and the eternal, damnable weight struggle?  I don’t want to talk about it.  I know what I need to do.  I set the best of plans and intentions….do well for a little bit….then fall down again.

Activities and friends….I really don’t know what to say about that…..

Agh.  So, you see?  It’s like my psychic feelers reach outwards, tentatively…and then withdraw, either from being actually stomped…or in anticipation of being stomped.  Or I stomp them myself.

So, sweetpea….what are you gonna do about it?  Bitching and moaning isn’t really going to help.  Well, it might help a bit, in that it lets off a bit of steam.  But what you really need are some plans and some action items and steps – even baby steps.

Money:

I’m buying very conservatively.  I’m hunting for coupons and good deals.  Continuing a minimalist approach.  I picked up an application for a part time job.   I’m cutting down on travel expenses, curtailing travel.  Have two angles for a possible upgrade in position at my work, and am actively applying for other possibilities (locally) within my employer network.

Safety/Mobility:

I’ve earmarked a Women’s Safety course (free from the city!) and will apply as soon as registration opens
Looking into concealed carry and best options
Got the dog but she’s a bit of a chicken (lol)
Eyes open for meet up groups to hike
Have a potential hiking buddy who is compatible, maybe we can expand our range?

Friends/activities:

Continue attending various meet ups
Nurture the little seedling starts of friendships already present
Am casting the net wide – doing the “follow your interests, and meet people that way” – pity they all cost money!  Meet ups are often just a cover for people to run their businesses
I think one of the biggest challenges is that people in my demographic are, for the most part, very settled.  They have their friends and (often) their families, and while they are ‘friendly’…they don’t want or need any more friends, or are too busy to develop new friendships.  So maybe just going out into the world and doing whatever I find interesting truly is the way to go…and maybe actual friendships will develop..and maybe they won’t.  I need to find a way to be okay with that, and thrive.

NDNs:

Have established contact with the local chapter, and – surprise! – I think there is even a queer person already there and established!  Not sure on that, but maybe.  Not that it really matters, but if somebody is already there and doing okay, maybe I will too.  So I’ll probably go to the meetings a couple of times, see if there is something there for me.  Honest to God, the Tsalagi are the whitest NDNs on earth….and when I went to the annual meeting a few weeks ago, it was like sitting in a room with 200 people who look just like my uncles, aunts, and cousins. And sound like like them, too.

Also continue to work with the idea that my identity is my identity….and no one else gets to define that for me.  If they don’t like it, or are critical, or don’t welcome me based on whatever aspect of me they don’t like or agree with – well, I can always walk away….WITH my identity.  Although it’s lovely to be externally validated (it really is lovely…) it is not necessary.

Romance:

Bah.  I probably should just walk away from that idea, too.  It’s a gawdawful amount of ridiculous work.  And the barriers! ohmigod.  Too old, too fat, too grey, too femme, too vanilla, too queer….oh! and there’s the spectrum factor.  I tend to be attracted to folks on the masculine end of the spectrum.  That includes cis-gendered males, FtMs, and old school butch women.  But each group tends to be wigged out by the possibility of me being attracted to the others!  And everybody is so damned skittish – including me.  It’s exhausting.  I really am ready to just say ‘fuck it’ and get on with my life.  They say that romance happens when you give up on it – kind of like getting naturally pregnant as soon as you give up on that. Not that I would know anything about that, everytime I’ve been in a pregnancy-possible relationship, I’ve been vigilant!! but I’ve heard plenty of anecdotal evidence.  So, maybe the romance thing should be like the friendship thing…just go out into the world and be who I am and do what I want.  Maybe romance will happen….maybe it won’t.  And I think I need to be okay with that, and get on down the road.

OK, what am I missing – oh yeah.  The weight thing.

I do try to walk as much as I can make myself do it
I rejoined the gym and am attending classes when I can make myself do it (I sense a theme, here…)
I need to do another Whole30, and STAY AWAY from grains and dairy all the time
Less alcohol.  I do love my wine….but I don’t sleep as well when I’ve had a couple of drinks, it is empty calories, and I make poor food choices (pizza! pasta! desserts!!!)

I am also stepping out and working on embracing some body image stuff – I’m going to go to a naturist family resort for the very first time next month – just for a day, but still!
Work on my wardrobe – buy clothes that I like which fit and flatter me
Get rid of stuff in my closet that doesn’t fit (that’s, like, 80% of my wardrobe…)
Continue to get body work (acupuncture, massage, floats)
Continue yoga, walking, body sculpt
Good self talk, good grooming
Resist coloring my hair

OK…..J is up.  I should get myself together and maybe get a shower.  Check the front yard.  Go grocery shopping.  Late this afternoon, I’m going to go over to the park and hang out for a couple of hours….have texted a couple of people (including J and E) to see if they’d like to stop by and visit and hang out.  I’ll take the card table, some comfy chairs, and some board games.  J is coming for sure….and of course I’ll take the dog. 🙂   If local folks who see this want to come by and enjoy the late summer warmth, IM me on FB, I’ll give you info.

 

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